Category Archives: Family

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Tips for Parents in the Digital Age

By Andrew Calabrese

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According to recent research, children ages 8-18 are spending more than 7 hours a day in front of an electronic device of some sort—whether it be a computer, iPad, smartphone, television, video game system, or anything else. According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, “The average kid sponges in 2.5 hours of music every day, almost 5 hours of TV and movies, 3 hours of Internet and video games, and just 38 minutes of old-fashioned reading.”

Yes, we live in a tech-saturated world. Most kids cannot even imagine a world at home, school, or anywhere else without some sort of device within arms reach, and it’s having some incredibly negative effects on their emotional, intellectual, and physical well-being.

Do you remember when we were kids? We would come home from school and play in the back yard or ride bikes with our friends. Nowadays, kids want to plop on the couch and transform into a media garbage disposal for hours at a time. Is this really the best outlet for our kids?

Whatever happened to kids being instructed to go outside and use their imagination to have fun? What ever happened to our boys playing with sticks and homemade slingshots, and our girls playing with dolls and fixing each other’s hair? Whatever happened to kids sitting down and enjoying reading a good book?

If you ever fear that your kids are spending too much time in front of their gadgets and wish that you could motivate them to do something else, here are some ideas.

1. Pay them to do something more productive.

Yes, that’s right. Pay them to do something more productive with their lives rather than binge-watching Youtube or Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. For example, you could pay them to read a book. Why not choose what books you want your kids to read, and then tell them once they’re finished, you’ll pay them $10 (or whatever amount you choose). There are some great books out there that this generation may never even know existed. What better way to motivate your kids to read than to pay them to do it?

It doesn’t have to be reading. Pay them to do anything that would be more productive than sitting in front of a screen. You could pay them for learning to ride their bike, learning to fix the car with dad, or cleaning around the house—the list could go on!

2. Show them how much fun you can have doing other things.

Sadly, one of the biggest reasons our kids have become device junkies is because they have some amazing examples to follow—mom and dad. If your family time consists of everyone sitting around the living room doing their own separate things on their own devices, including mom and dad, then who’s to blame?

More than our kid’s desire to spend time on their devices, they are craving to spend time with us. Your kids want to have fun with you, but the problem is that we often don’t want to have fun. Let’s be honest in admitting that there are nights we would rather sit on the couch and sit in front of a screen ourselves than go outside and play catch with our son, or take a walk with our daughter, or build a fort with the kids to protect ourselves from “the bad guys.” I believe that if our kids saw how much fun they could have doing other things, then they would be more motivated to do them, and nothing is more motivating than when mom and dad participate in the fun.

3. Just remember, you are the parents.

We are the ones God has chosen to lead our families. We have the right to tell our kids what they can and cannot do. We can set time limits on their device usage. We can lead them to do what we think is best for their well-being. We can even enforce consequences when our expectations are not met. We can parent them in doing more productive things with their time. When parents provide even minimal media guidelines for their kids, it decreases their media consumption by as much as three hours a day! Unfortunately, only one third of kids say that their parents put any limits at all on their media usage.

Author Paul David Tripp points out, “You are God’s agent of change in your child’s life.” God gave you to them to shape and mold them into the people He wants them to be, and God gave them to you because He considers you trustworthy of such a task. I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy the devices that our family owns as much as anyone else, but as the parents, we always have to be the ones in control of our devices—not the other way around.

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Father: A Man’s Greatest Title

by Pastor Dorrell

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There are a myriad of titles that men can have, but perhaps the greatest of them all is that of Father. Being a dad is an incredible thing, and the position brings with it great joy and responsibility.

The author of the book of Proverbs understood this responsibility when he said to one of his children (in 23:26), “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.” That is an amazing request made by a dad to his son. Yet, it is what every dad signed up for when he made the decision to bring another life into this world.

Above and beyond all other people, a dad and mom are supposed to be the ultimate examples. The request by the proverbial father was to be the chief influence in his son’s life. Above and beyond his peers, the culture, the media, and any other influence, this dad was asking for his son’s heart. I believe that is exactly what God intends.

A child is a product of a father, biologically, and he is supposed to be a product who reflects his father’s character, passions, and heart as well. So, in essence, a dad is saying to his children, “I want you to live as I live, do as I do, and be what I am. One day, my son, I want you to love your wife the same way that I love your mother. I want you to give, serve, be faithful, and go to church like I have done before your eyes.”

When you consider that request, it should make all of us dads seriously consider the grave responsibility of being a dad. It sounds like a lot to ask, and all of us realize we are not perfect; however, imperfections aside, if we can’t be examples to our children, then who can?

There have been many times that I have not been the best example to my children, but when I became aware of it, I was quick to apologize and commit myself to doing better.

Part of being an example is being authentic, humble, and showing our children that failure is a part of life, but it can and should be overcome. Demonstrating growth and the willingness to change and do better, over the course of time that we are raising our children, will speak volumes to them.

Our children don’t need a perfect father. They just need a humble and good one. The greatest gift we can give our children is to show them how to live and navigate life. If we can show them how to love, to get along with others, to share, give, and make God the priority of our lives, then we will have fulfilled our tasks as fathers, and then we can enjoy watching them give the same gift to their children one day.

 

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Invest in Your Kids This Summer

by Andrew Calabrese

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Summer is just around the corner, and it presents us parents with an incredible opportunity to invest more in our children. Because they are out of school, we can spend entire days with them! Here are some helpful thoughts as you endeavor to spend more time with your children this summer:

1. DISCONNECT FROM YOUR PHONE

In our highly digital and socially connected generation, parents are inadvertently ignoring their children more than ever. When you ignore your children, it communicates that you don’t love and value them. A June study by AVG Technologies surveyed more than 6,000 children, ages 8 to 13, from the United States, the Untied Kingdom, and several other countries. The survey discovered that fifty-four percent of the kids think their parents spend too much time on their phones. Fifty-two percent of moms and dads agreed with their children and worried that they were setting a bad example for their kids. 

It can be hard to navigate this crazy connected world we find ourselves in, and remember that the digital universe can wait while we interact with those most important to us in the present moment. We as parents need to put down our cell phones and focus more on our kids. They are more important than the latest work email or what’s trending on Instagram or Facebook. Let’s make sure they know it.

2. SEIZE THE TEACHABLE MOMENTS

You don’t have to wait until your kids are teens to teach them life skills. Get a jump start on teaching practical lessons to your children right now— how to clean the house, how to manage their time and money, how to cook—the list could go on! The point is, nobody has more influence on your children than you. So, make time to seize the “teachable moments.”

3.REMEMBER, YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE TO RAISE THEM

I have two children, and I marvel at how fast they are growing. Time really flies! The truth is, you don’t really know how much time you will get to spend with your children. So, make the most of every opportunity you get and create happy memories with them. Your kids will never forget the spaghetti fights at the table, the trips to the zoo, the countless hours you played with them at the park, or any one-on-one time they had with you! This will create a bond that will last a lifetime. The more time you spend with your children the more opportunities there will be for happy memories to be created and cherished.

Again, this summer allows you more time to spend with them, and I hope you’ll make this summer the best it has ever been for your kids!

Activity Ideas to Do with Your Kids this Summer:

  • Go to the park
  • Play catch outside
  • Go to the zoo / aquarium 
  • Go swimming
  • Take a hike
  • Go on a scavenger hunt
  • Make a craft
  • “Camp out” (in the living room)
  • Fly a kite
  • Take them to a Vacation Bible School
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The Power of Words

By Daniel Fleet

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The words that we use are powerful and they have an impact on those around us. A hammer can be used to tear things down or build things up and our words are no different. The words we speak, text, or write can be used to nurture, heal, and protect, or, they can be used to ruin, tear down, and destroy. How you use your words will determine how successful you are in the relationship with your wife, kids, family, and co-workers.

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How to Defuse Conflict and Make Your Marriage Even Better

By Daniel Fleet

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In 1 Samuel we read that David and Michal fell in love at a young age and were married. Difficult circumstances befell them and David made poor choices so that in the end David and Michal reached a point where they could not stand to be near each other. One narrative puts it this way: “And it came to pass, as the ark of the covenant of the Lord came to the city of David, that Michal the daughter of Saul looking out at a window saw king David dancing and playing: and she despised him in her heart (1 Chronicles 15:29, KJV).”

There is a point that jumps out from this story: People who were once madly in love with each other are capable of reaching a point in their relationship where they literally despise each other. How does this happen? The simple fact of the matter is the more intimate the relationship the more chance there is of deep and lasting conflict.

There is a principle known as the inevitability of conflict that suggests that the closer people become in a relationship the more likely conflict is to occur. Researchers Dudley Cahn and Ruth Abigail note, “The inevitability of conflict principle runs contrary to the idea that, if we look long and hard, we can find people with whom we can share conflict-free lives. It means that we should cease our efforts to find perfect people and learn how to manage the conflicts we are sure to have with those closest to us.” These social scientists are simply stating what God’s Word teaches us over and over again.

While conflict can be messy and hard to navigate there are several steps that couples can take to manage conflict in their lives in order to produce peaceful marriages that are pleasing to God, a testimony to the world, and mutually satisfying to both partners.

1. Live in light of a greater purpose

When a husband or wife understands that they belong to Jesus Christ it changes their outlook on life. This point can be easily lost on those of us who have been saved a long time. We need to be reminded that our marriage reflects the power of Christ in our life. Those who belong to Christ do not have perfect lives, but their life does have a grander purpose and a peaceful marriage is part of God’s plan.

Peaceful marriages and happy couples are important because they are a testimony to the lost world that Jesus makes a difference in one’s life. In his book, The Peacemaker, Ken Sande notes, “Conflict also provides opportunities to encourage others to trust in Jesus Christ. When you are involved in a conflict, your opponent and various bystanders will be observing you closely. If you behave in a worldly way, you will give nonbelievers yet another excuse for mocking Christians and rejecting Christ. On the other hand, if you display God’s love and respond with unnatural humility, wisdom, and self-control, those who are watching you may wonder where you found the power to behave like that, which may open the door to introducing them to Christ.” Knowing Christ and living for Him is the greatest step to a happier marriage and managing marital conflict.

2. Treat your spouse with civility

When civility is present in a relationship positive conflict outcomes are more likely. Again, Cahn and Abigail write, “civility requires that we come into the presence of others with a sense of awe and gratitude, rather than a sense of duty and obligation.” Christ expects us to respect each other and interact with kindness on a constant basis.

While there are moments of disappointment or frustration in any marriage, respect and civility should always be present. Civility is constituted by an attitude of respect toward others manifested in our behavior toward them; that respect is not predicated on how we feel about them. Civility requires that we are mindful of others around us and aware of the impact our behavior has on them. Paul instructs husbands and wives in Ephesians 5 is to love and respect one another and treat each other with same kindness that Christ expresses to the church.

3. Make more deposits than withdrawals in the relationship

Often people evaluate their relationships based on the value they find in them and that value is assessed by cost and reward ratios. William Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, introduces the idea of a “love bank” to illustrate this point inside of a marriage relationship: “Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. Each person either makes deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with him or her. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions cause withdrawals.”

Harley continues to propose that the account in a persons Love Bank fluctuates depending on the type of interactions he or she has with their partner. Simply put, sometimes there is a cost associated with the interaction and sometimes there is a reward associated with the interaction. It stands to reason then that each spouse in a marriage relationship should seek to add value to the other person in order to successfully navigate the complexities of conflict.

4. Work together as a team

Couples should realize that their marriage is bigger and better when the two of them work together as one unit. The Bible says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Furthermore, there is a principle in Ecclesiastes 4 that says that two are better than one. When a man and woman unite, not just psychically, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally they are able to better manage conflict and become stronger as a result.

5. Listen

Listening is not an easy skill but it is one that can and should be learned by all married couples. Listening communicates to your spouse that you value them as a person and as you listen and pay attention to them they are able to open up their heart. Deeper intimacy and trust are the fruits of listening. When we listen we show the other person how much we value, love, and appreciate them.

Listening is not just hearing, but also paying attention to the other person. Emphatic listening means you listen, not only with your ears, but also with your eyes and with your heart. You sense and feel what your spouse is trying to communicate to you more than just the words they are speaking.

This is the kind of listening that builds intimacy between couples and helps them work through conflict in constructive and helpful ways. Mediation lawyer, Brigid Duffield, writes, “Often, we increase conflict by talking and restating our opinions. Stop and listen to what the other person is saying. What you thought you heard may not be what they said.” Listening allows for proper reflection and understanding during communication processes.

6. Never forget the power of prayer

We believe in prayer but too often we utilize our relationship with God as a last resort. God has the ability to change the hearts of people and often He is the only and best solution to conflict management in marriage. Paul wrote to Timothy, “I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men… that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty to all that call upon him in truth.”

While conflict is inevitable in marriage these simple steps can help all of us have happier homes and better marriages.

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Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

A Book Recommendation By Daniel Fleet

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Being a perfect dad is impossible. Being a good dad isn’t. But for most men being a good dad doesn’t come naturally. It takes hard work, determination, grit, and a lot of prayer. I have two young daughters that I adore and I remind myself frequently that I only have one shot at raising them. I’m not a perfect dad but I want to be the best dad I can be for them. Several men at church told me I needed to read Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker. I recently finished it and thought it was an excellent book. Meeker is a pediatrician who has twenty years counseling young women and weaves stories throughout the book help make the truths she presents applicable.

Our culture is at war with femininity and it is pulling the very best out of our girls. It’s a cruel world and it’s a dad’s job to stand in the gap between his daughter and the world and be the warrior who fights evil. I may have dramatized this a bit but it’s the way I feel and most men like to be called warriors (including me). Meeker (2006) writes to dads, “We have a popular culture that’s not healthy for girls and young women, and there is only one thing that stands between it and your daughter: You” (p. 28). The most important man in any daughter’s life is her daddy.

If you’re a dad and you have daughters under the age of 18 you need to read this book. I want to encourage you to set aside some time to sharpen your dad skills and become a better version of the dad you already are.

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Keys to a Happy Marriage

By Daniel Fleet

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Your marriage is a wonderful and unique gift that God has entrusted to you. God teaches us that the relationship you have with your spouse is to be exclusive and enjoyed! It’s easy for life to get busy, and often one of the first things placed on the backburner is our marital relationship. I want to encourage you today to stop and take inventory of your marriage and be sure that you’re doing the following:

Prioritize your marriage

Between our commitment to our kids, extended family, church, school, and work it’s easy to misplace value on the most important human relationship in our life. Coach John Wooden said, “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” It’s important to love your kids and value them, but don’t sacrifice your marriage in the process. When the marriage relationship is right the children often fall into place. Be sure that your marriage is at the top of your food chain!

Plan your marriage

Planning is a fundamental key to success. Confucius once said, “A man who does not plan long ahead will find trouble at his door.” If successful people are people who plan, why not plan your marriage?  Plan to spend time with your spouse each week, plan to say something special to them when you greet each other after work, and plan several times together throughout the year for the two of you to connect.

Protect your marriage

Make sure that your marriage is an exclusive relationship that you protect. I may be old school in my thinking but I believe that intimate conversations should be reserved for your spouse. It has been proven that self-disclosure is a gateway to intimacy. Make your spouse feel special by reserving parts of your heart only for them.

Spring is a great time of year to take stock of your marriage and recommit yourself to your spouse. Schedule a date night soon and love the mate God has blessed you with!

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How to Wise Up

By Jesse Becker

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I have two boys, ages 11 and 7. They’re great kids with lots of energy. They love climbing trees, building forts, and wrestling each other or me! They’re growing at alarming rates it seems–either that, or their pants keep shrinking.

As their dad I have a God given responsibility to help them grow in wisdom. That’s an ongoing job. Everyday I am presented with lessons to teach them and guide them through. I wish I could say that I’ve masterfully handled every situation with grace and wisdom; but honestly, I’m learning as much or more as they are as we go. I am glad though that God has all the answers I need in His word and the godly counsel He has supplied around me.

Just like in my family, my Heavenly Father wants to impart His wisdom to me. He makes it readily available primarily through time in His word. It’s just up to me to spend the time seeking it there. In conjunction with reading the Bible, I believe memorizing scripture is key to learning wisdom. And what both of these actions do is help us get into the presence of God and remain there. As the second verse of Be Thou My Vision reminds us, reading God’s word and hiding it in our heart is a key to wising up.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

“For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.”
Proverbs 2:6

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A Happy Marriage

By Daniel Fleet

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Have you ever seen a married couple that looked happy and content? I know I have. I have seen young, middle aged, and older couples that looked happy with their marriage and with their life. Like me maybe you wonder why they are happy. Did they get lucky and marry the “right” spouse? While some couples may be more compatible than others, the answer is a resounding no! Happy marriages happen because at least one spouse decided to take responsibility for their marriage.